While I Sleep

A few days back I was coming back from an errand. Nothing much, just by the next two streets. I walked back home in a looming silence. As I held the door handle, I found myself confused. How did I get here?

Don't get me wrong, I remembered walking. I remembered the steps taken. I just was not the one taking them. Know why? I was not there. That walk, though short, hosted a lot of events. I was carrying a child and cooing along to calm her. She was beautiful. I was a child carried and I was cooed by someone who looked just like me. I swapped between the child and the mother almost a thousand time before I reached my door.

Sometimes I wonder. Am I the child or the mother? This child and mother fantasy swap has been a bother for years. They did not manifest today. It started with my fascination for children. I still stand by my earliest assessment that they are the most beautiful creations in the world. Then I started to get fascinated by the mother, started a few tales about them too.

But today, I laid in bed and suddenly a child appeared before me. I was cooing in my head till I heard my self in reality. Only then did I pause and snap out of it. How long had I stopped reading this book to coo this long? How long was I in this trance-like state?

What is this state? While I'm sane, I wonder about what happens when I'm not. What do I really do? Can people notice? Today, a fear struck my being. What happens when I fall into this trance and stay in it long enough to feel it real? It already feels real now, but I have yet to show any physical reaction what happens when I do? I'll tell you what? They will finally find out I was always mad.

You know, I always rocked around when in my state. The state that scared my room mates in my university enough to tell students care services, I might be insane. You see, I've never disputed that. Thinking back at that rocking motion I made for an hour before taking to hitting my head, I guess it was justified to look mad.

In truth, I was not there yet. At least I think so. Makes me wonder, if anyone is really there at all. ....I'm missing the point. In that state, I was in between fear and trapped in a fantasy. Logic, which I had introduced to you in my post; me, myself, and i, said that I was in too deep and I needed to pull out. So the rocking and the hitting started.

I call this fantasy of cooing and all; that leads to the rocking and hitting, The Sleep State. I'd like to imagine that in that state, I'm in a dream too deep to fall out from. I've had this state too many times to count. I'm starting to wonder, am I slipping? I don't mind being mad any more, as long as I can still write, I think I'd accept almost anything as long as I can write for the rest of my life ....or will I?